When I was pregnant with Oldest, I was practically bed-ridden with hyperemesis gravidarum, and therefore spent a lot of time pondering the fact and future of child rearing. Having grown up in a very conservative family, we were around many families who seemed to have the idea that you are raising children, and they need to be taught to rely on their parents for all opinions, decisions, values, and beliefs. My parents really didn’t struggle with this, they may have had things I disagreed with as an older child, but those were usually things that were a “house rules” type of issue, not a This is Law and the Bible Says So issues. My parents constantly encouraged me to go to Scripture and to weigh things according to the Word, not my emotional reasoning.
As I looked forward to raising my child, I discussed with J the fact that I really didn’t want to raise children, I wanted to raise adults. Adults who had opinions separate from mine, who would be able to stand strong in their beliefs not because it was how their parents had raised them, but because they felt strongly this is how they should live. Adults who have a good relationship with their parents because their parents view them as an adult and don’t come down and draw a line in the sand and say “if you love me, you will do X” or who treat their adult child as if they were still under their authority and dominion.
I’ve started early with my children, I’ve begun developing their little opinion makers by giving them choices when choices are ok {would you like your blue shirt or your brown one?} and by making decisions for them when it’s needed {you will eat your vegetables} or just to protect them {removing them from a situation where they’re being bullied}, but when I, as mom, come in and make a decision for them, I really.really try to explain to them what I’m doing and why {it’s not an option to eat your vegetables because you need to stay healthy and growing} and keep that communication open {I’m really proud of you for being so kind to the boy who was hitting you, but you need to come tell mommy if someone is hitting you}.
I have talked with many parents who feel like the opinions their children are developing threaten the values that the parents have tried to instill in their children, and since I was a child who had some difference of opinion with my parents, my biggest piece of advice is this: If you have given your children the proper foundation, when they hit 16, 18, 20, they will need to take and sort through the beliefs and values they have been raised in, and it’s very much okay if they toss some out and keep others. What God has led your family to is not what He will necessarily lead your child to. So long as the things that are the foundation {Scripturally based (not just “intimated”), core-Gospel facts} are true, the adult child will stick to them. They may change their style of clothing, their hair, their music choices, their reading diet, but none of these things are foundational, they’re superficial. If the child hasn’t been taught true modesty is of the heart and not the clothing, they will have no basis on which to make proper clothing decisions. If they haven’t been taught that our purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, they will be without rudder in the plethora of choices in music and literature. If they have been taught the true base {Scripture, and the purpose of man being to glorify God and enjoy Him forever} on which to make their decisions, their choices, even if they aren’t ones we as parents agree with 100% {music that we don’t like, yet the lyrics aren’t heretical; clothing that is more modern or faddish than we would wear, but still covers what needs to be covered}, should be left between them and God. If they come and ask us our counsel, we should be able to give it in love and understanding that they are wholly separate individuals enjoying and living a separate relationship with Christ.
We are a child, no matter our age, when we rely on others to make our choices for us, when we are unable to dig through Scripture and take an issue to the Word to see what God has to say about it. We are raising children when we do these things for our child without allowing them the freedom and responsibility of doing it… and we ought to raise adults.
Yes, my children are still in their pre-school years, but the philosophy of raising adults applies to their age as much as it applies to children ten years older than they. I would question the Scriptural base of parents who have 20-somethings who are still relying on parents to make their choices, and parents who desire to exercise that level of control over their adult children. I tend to think that a child who is in their middle-to-late teens should be able to make many, many choices in their life, and especially those things that have to do with their personal being {hair, clothes, etc.}. Sure, sometimes a parent should step in if the child is truly struggling with a heart attitude and say “that won’t happen in my house.” I won’t let my son wear his long sleeved shirts in the 100°+ weather where we live, but he’s 5 and doesn’t quite grasp appropriateness of clothing yet. I can, however, give him as much leeway as he needs in the choice of toys to play with, or the socks he wears with his shoes, or the order in which he puts on his clothing. Who am I to tell him that a shirt MUST go on before pants? He knows where things go, and won’t wear his underwear over his jeans.
