{Let Your will be done in me.}
This is such a deep phrase, but also one that is so easy to say, because you never think that it will really apply to you. It’s easy to say because you think it’s more applicable to the woman losing her husband of 50 years to cancer, or the family who got in a car wreck and have to replace their vehicle (and it applies to any injuries suffered there to boot), or the church in that far away country that is going through a really difficult time and throwing themselves at the throne of grace for their daily sustenance.
It’s a totally different thing to say {Let Your will be done in me.} when you’re facing something over which you have no control, yet which totally changes your life.
{Let Your will be done in me.}
When you would do anything to protect your soon-to-be-born child from the ravages of disease and pain, when you would happily give up your ability to walk, run, feel sensation in the legs so that he has the chance to do those things, and yet you can’t. You’re helpless. On a rollercoaster of pain and fear and trepidation as to how you will survive seeing your 1-day old newborn go through a surgery in which his spinal cord will be operated on.
The last few weeks have been a blur of doctor appointments, prayers, NICU walkthroughs, church-family provided meals, tears, fellowship, joy, consultations with specialists, in-home RN visits and bedrest (well, I’m the only one who gets any of the bedrest benefits!).
Through it all, we have been given grace. Exceeding, abundant, awe-inspiring grace. The prevailing thought in this house is that God’s grace is a flood that washes away fear, a refreshing cool stream in which to bathe a weary soul, a cool drink to a parched heart and most importantly, is a constant fulfillment of our greatest need.
I wanted to share how we see this “diagnosis” of Spina Bifida, and how it has affected not just how we are preparing for our child and his care, but how it has affected those around us, our outlook on life (and people, and “disabilities” and all of that), and how it has changed our hearts to, we hope, be more in-line with God’s heart.
{Let Your will be done in me.}
When Joel and I first got the diagnosis that Littlest had Spina Bifida, we went through a rather unique response cycle. Our first thought was the shock that this was actually happening to us, but at the same time, we had a total and complete peace that this was God’s will, and we were prepared for it. Perhaps the difficult pregnancy up to that point at 18 weeks gestation had something to do with it, perhaps it was a slow change in our hearts that God had worked without us being aware, but we were truly at peace and excited to have a child with the special blessing of Spina Bifida.
Wait, you say, a blessing? How is something that could cause your child to have loss of feeling or paralysis in his legs, leave him unable to walk, and unable to control his bowels a blessing?
{Let Your will be done in me.}
Joel and I know that God in His sovereignty knew that Littlest would be formed this way. This is His perfect will for Littlest, and by extension, for us. Through Littlest’s birth defect, we will all be given an extra measure of grace. Through this birth defect, his body will be a visible example of 2 Cor. 12:9–10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Christ has never said that we wouldn’t suffer hardships, in fact, we can know that because we are His, we will suffer hardships. He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, and honestly, we can’t handle anything apart from His grace. His grace, then, is something we ought to desire with all our being.
I’m sure I’ll blog more thoughts on this as we continue on this journey, but I wanted to share these things that have been on my heart and which have blessed me immeasurably. I hope it can be a blessing to you as well.
As I have processed through the fear and grief, I have sought music that inspires and uplifts me, allowing me to come through that process into joy and peace. One of the tools for me to worship and process is music, and so it was a big blessing to make a station on Pandora based on this song by Sovereign Grace Music:
As Long as You are Glorified
Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubtRefrain:
Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified
Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night
Other songs that have been really encouraging to me are as follows:
Prayer for Home by Fernando Ortega (he is actually one of my favorite artists, all of his songs are so rich.)
You Raise Me Up by Selah (it has the second verse, something that Josh Groban’s version is missing. I do love Josh Groban’s version too.)
I Will Carry You by Selah (read the history of this song here. It’s quite a ways down on the page.)
Veronica,
Going through the challenge of childhood cancer with Mackenzie and lungs not working with MacLaine, let me assure you that God WILL be glorified through your little man. I would of never of chose mack cancer and laine his problem, but I am so glad that through this we have experienced God on a whole other level. We have been able to use their stories to witness and to share the power of God.. and I know that your little man will be another God story that is going to be used powerfully. Just keep remembering that whenever satan tries to get you down. Blessings, Melissa
God’s grace is so evident in your responses. I have no words. I just want to encourage you that you are indeed glorifying Him.
What a beautiful expression of your faith! I was Blessed by your words today!
I was really encouraged by your post, Nica. The theme of grace has been loud and clear in my own life recently, as well as accepting what is given to me for my good and His glory. Your perspective on this is amazing. You’re in my prayers. =)
We don’t know each other, but I am a friend of Lindsey Yoder. Almost 27 years ago, I was born with Spina Bifida (myelomeningocele). Reading your post was so encouraging to me, and simply brought me to tears…the grace of God is so evident. I wasn’t sure what God would give me to share with you, but I want to share 2 quotes that mean a lot to me:
“…learn in every trial and trouble, great or small, to see God immediately. Meet your God there, and let God be who He is and allow Him to do what He does – all for your good and His glory. Not a hair of your head can fall without the will of your Father.” -Andrew Murray
“…we will stand amazed to see the topside of the tapestry and how God beautifully embroidered each circumstance into a pattern for our good and His glory.”
— Joni Eareckson Tada
God Bless You!
Thank you so much, Marcus. I have been hugely blessed by the amazing support that the SB community has given me, especially the adults who are so encouraging to the moms who get the news and are wondering “where is up?”
I have been given much grace, and I know it’s so that I can in turn share that grace and encouragement with others. It’s not just for me, or for Mac (my baby), but for everyone who meets us or hears about us or sees us. I have really been struck by the fact that SB can mean “Spina Bifida” and “Special Blessing,” because in MY life, they’re bound together. I only pray that Mac is given the same grace to deal with it, because while I’m affected as his mom, I’m JUST his mom, and I want HIM to have the grace of God evident in his life. I want HIM to be encouraged by the adults who “glory in their weaknesses” with SB, and to know that he was formed this way “on purpose” that there are “no mistakes with God.” Your quotes will be ones I share with him, I’ve read them before (LOVE Andrew Murray, fwiw!) and they are so very true and encouraging. Thank you so much.