{Let Your will be done in me.}

This is such a deep phrase, but also one that is so easy to say, because you never think that it will really apply to you. It’s easy to say because you think it’s more applicable to the woman losing her husband of 50 years to cancer, or the family who got in a car wreck and have to replace their vehicle (and it applies to any injuries suffered there to boot), or the church in that far away country that is going through a really difficult time and throwing themselves at the throne of grace for their daily sustenance.
It’s a totally different thing to say {Let Your will be done in me.} when you’re facing something over which you have no control, yet which totally changes your life.

{Let Your will be done in me.}

When you would do anything to protect your soon-to-be-born child from the ravages of disease and pain, when you would happily give up your ability to walk, run, feel sensation in the legs so that he has the chance to do those things, and yet you can’t. You’re helpless. On a rollercoaster of pain and fear and trepidation as to how you will survive seeing your 1-day old newborn go through a surgery in which his spinal cord will be operated on.
The last few weeks have been a blur of doctor appointments, prayers, NICU walkthroughs, church-family provided meals, tears, fellowship, joy, consultations with specialists, in-home RN visits and bedrest (well, I’m the only one who gets any of the bedrest benefits!).
Through it all, we have been given grace. Exceeding, abundant, awe-inspiring grace.  The prevailing thought in this house is that God’s grace is a flood that washes away fear, a refreshing cool stream in which to bathe a weary soul, a cool drink to a parched heart and most importantly, is a constant fulfillment of our greatest need.
I wanted to share how we see this “diagnosis” of Spina Bifida, and how it has affected not just how we are preparing for our child and his care, but how it has affected those around us, our outlook on life (and people, and “disabilities” and all of that), and how it has changed our hearts to, we hope, be more in-line with God’s heart.

{Let Your will be done in me.}

When Joel and I first got the diagnosis that Littlest had Spina Bifida, we went through a rather unique response cycle. Our first thought was the shock that this was actually happening to us, but at the same time, we had a total and complete peace that this was God’s will, and we were prepared for it. Perhaps the difficult pregnancy up to that point at 18 weeks gestation had something to do with it, perhaps it was a slow change in our hearts that God had worked without us being aware, but we were truly at peace and excited to have a child with the special blessing of Spina Bifida.
Wait, you say, a blessing? How is something that could cause your child to have loss of feeling or paralysis in his legs, leave him unable to walk, and unable to control his bowels a blessing?

{Let Your will be done in me.}

Joel and I know that God in His sovereignty knew that Littlest would be formed this way. This is His perfect will for Littlest, and by extension, for us. Through Littlest’s birth defect, we will all be given an extra measure of grace. Through this birth defect, his body will be a visible example of 2 Cor. 12:9–10:

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Christ has never said that we wouldn’t suffer hardships, in fact, we can know that because we are His, we will suffer hardships. He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, and honestly, we can’t handle anything apart from His grace. His grace, then, is something we ought to desire with all our being.
I’m sure I’ll blog more thoughts on this as we continue on this journey, but I wanted to share these things that have been on my heart and which have blessed me immeasurably. I hope it can be a blessing to you as well.
As I have processed through the fear and grief, I have sought music that inspires and uplifts me, allowing me to come through that process into joy and peace. One of the tools for me to worship and process is music, and so it was a big blessing to make a station on Pandora based on this song by Sovereign Grace Music:

As Long as You are Glorified

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Refrain:
Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified
Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

Other songs that have been really encouraging to me are as follows:
Prayer for Home by Fernando Ortega (he is actually one of my favorite artists, all of his songs are so rich.)
You Raise Me Up by Selah (it has the second verse, something that Josh Groban’s version is missing. I do love Josh Groban’s version too.)
I Will Carry You by Selah (read the history of this song here. It’s quite a ways down on the page.)